No_RuLeZ_eZaTi !!

Behind every smiles, there's sorrows.

2012-01-21T17:49:00.003+08:00

This is indeed true.

When I look at you, I just can feel it. I can see sadness in your eyes and the tears you're trying to hide. No doubt, I know you ain't happy as you are the last time. I'm very glad you've change for the better. I just hope that continues, though you did not get what you wanted. Frankly speaking, you just knock some sense in me, you're an inspiration to everyone out there. InsyaAllah, you'll continue to be the new you. I might be a stranger to you now but I'll continue to support the good things you'll gonna do in the future. So are your family & friends. InsyaAllah (:

Secret of the day:

You're a sweet guy. A romantic guy, indeed.

I'll always pray that you'll meet the right one, in the future.

InsyaAllah.

Faith in Him.

2011-12-23T14:59:00.004+08:00

Have faith in Him, & everything becomes possible.

Great weather, good times in Clarke Quay ytd with S & A. After so many years, finally we were there. Today, in the morning, heard a news that get me paranoid for a moment. Not that I wouldn't be paranoid, even for the slightest thing. But yea. Thank goodness for my group members. They are always the ones who give me lots of assurance that everything's gonna be fine. Alhamdulillah. Though I'm still worried about it, I hope no hiccups comes between us, again. InsyaAllah.

Secret of the day:

Feeling unappreciated & taken advantage of.

Scapegoat, forever.

When will all these stop?

Or, will it even stop?

Love is all it takes.

2011-12-19T15:27:00.007+08:00

Love is all it takes. Love is all I need. Love is all I could wish for.

There's always reasons behind every single things that one does.
"Tidur je...": Because that's the only time when all my feelings I kept to myself are finally free to roam around in my dreams.
"Khayal je...": Because those were the hard times when I tried to pull every positive things I could think of to convince myself that all these are parts and parcels of life & I have to live it. Speaking up & ending up being blamed? Yes, indeed.
"Tak penat ke, tenung computer tu je...": Because keeping myself busy are the simplest source of distractions. Thinking about all these unfortunate things I had to go through, keeping silence for the sake of everyone's happiness is the only choice I had. And, maybe distraction could be the other.

Secret of the day:
Wonder when will that dream ever come true?

Cheeky.

2011-12-17T23:20:00.007+08:00

Remember this whenever things don't go the way you wanted.

Focus & motivation to do work simply diminish after a day off. Hopefully, it slowly creeps in. Feels a little worried that Ethics have yet to be approved. Knowing that others are done with it. Back to square one, pace differs. Hope we're not lagging behind the others which has always been the Number 1 worry, from Day 1. Aside from MP, out with brother, today. Tried to be cheeky so I decide to make my move in UNIQLO, at T1:

Brother: "Eh lawa la dia!" *Keep looking at her*
Me: "KAK, boleh mintak nombor?" *VERY LOUDLY"
Brother: "Oi, diamlah!" *Panic mode*

Secret of the day:

Mum told me before, & today as well. "Kalau tolak pinangan orang sekali, nanti dapat jodoh lambat! Jadi, kahwin lambat!" Really? Only God knows.

Ups & Downs on 16 December.

2011-12-16T13:34:00.015+08:00

16 December 2011, & this is what I picked out.

Can't express how lucky am I to have all my friends with me to celebrate my 19th Birthday. Today, I had a rough morning, but I know I have to be positive & happy for the day. Shall not let all those negative feelings ruin my day. Let me tell you something. Every year, I don't wish for branded gifts or expensive presents. All I wish for is something meaningful that signifies our friendship, something that can bring up my spirit when I'm down (like now, hmmm) & importantly, something that shows I always have you to turn to no matter where you are. Glad to say, all my 5 lovely ladies have come up with something that meets my wishes, all at once. I can't thank them enough for that precious notes in the box & the card. 3 years & they somehow manage to figure out that beautiful quotes are my pillars of strength to start a brand new day. For sure, I'll keep them, for life. "I'm really happy for you. And, Imma let you finish. But, Syaf, Afif, Fizah, Fars & Mars did the BEST birthday present of all time!" Yes. Nevertheless, all those wishes on FB & hp, late at night are very much appreciated. I know, family is always the best place to be in. However, sometimes, I feel friends complete & understand me more. Keyword: SOMETIMES.

Secret of the day:

I'm born to be a person who doesn't talk much. But, when I pour out my feelings in words, every word I wrote is from the bottom of my heart. No doubt, you girls are irreplacable. Yes, I longed for a sister for 19 years & I've got 5 of them, straight when I step into TP. Syukur Alhamdulillah, I hope you girls see this <3

Reality.

2011-12-13T22:39:00.003+08:00

Trying to make others happy while I'm always in pain?

That's reality for me, for almost 19 years. Always in a lose- win situation. I know, Lye told me before, if this situation continues, it is going to be unhealthy for me. I've not told anyone, but myself that this is not going to change. Unless, I'm 21 years old? Is it true? We shall wait & see. & Oh ya, I shall share this, just for entertainment sake. A conversation between me & nenek:

Nenek: Besok kau sekolah?

Me: Tak.

Nenek: Alah, tak payah sekolah tinggi-tinggi. Terus kerja je.

Me: Tak nak ah. Adik nak jadi mahasiswa (Mcm paham ey? HAHA)

Nenek: Perempuan sampai bila nak belajar, nak kerja.

Me: Mana boleh gitu. Kena lah setaraf! Independent! (Mcm lah nenek tau meaning tu eh! HAHA)

Nenek: Buat apa? Belajar, lepas tu kerja. Dah kerja sekejap, KAHWIN! Bila dah kahwin, tak payah kerja lagi. Jaga suami.

Me: Lahhhh! Zaman dah berubah nek... (Somehow I feel that was coming! Now I know where my mum got all those marriage- related hints from! Waduhhhh!)

Secret of the day:

Sometimes, I feel guilty for blurting things out.

But, till when can I keep all these to myself? :(

Snapshots.

2011-12-10T19:54:00.005+08:00

Taking snapshots of your life.

Been doing nothing throughout the day. Shall start productive work later, & continue burning the midnight oil since tomorrow is a Sunday. Poor time management, I know right. Which I don't think anyone believes, oh wells (: Highlights of the day, let me see.. Morning, woke up with tears. I'm not too sure why & what I dreamt about. I couldn't remember a single thing :/ Afternn, Z shared sth with me. It's pretty sad to hear that from her :( Why must it be her again? Wells, I wish I could do sth to help but 'berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu memikul'. Though, the last time, I once promise myself that no matter what situation it'll be, we'll go through thick & thin together. Heavy heart, but now, I think it's time. Knowing all the things she has to handle all by herself, insyaAllah, it'll be better for her to make that decision. "Whatever it is, I've got your back, girl!" (if you see this..)

Secret of the day:

Every night, I dreamt.

Those morning, I woke up with tears.

Only to realize that those were just dreams.

Maybe, those nights were the only times when all those feelings bottled up in me all these while are finally let out.

One wish.

2011-12-06T12:36:00.005+08:00

What I lack of, sometimes.

Should start trusting myself that things are going to be fine. However, glad to have circle of friends who'll continue to knock some sense into me. It's only the beginning of MP, expectations are rising up. We'll constantly remain unknown if we're at the same pace as the rest. That's insecurity that I'm afraid of. Perhaps, all I've got to do now is to believe in myself & the group that we are at the right pace, & we can also ace this like the others!

Secret of the day:

One wish that is to have someone.

Just a dream.

2011-12-03T20:50:00.003+08:00

Dreaming is believing, remember?

"I came in on their first day. Seeing the teachers welcoming the children at the doors. Seeing the children mixing around with their new classmates in a new classroom. I smiled at them & greeted every single of them. Get down to my knee and hugged them tight, showing how excited I am to see them back in school." And, I woke up, knowing that it was all just a dream :( Even, writing this can make me tear right now. Really miss all of them. As you can see, I never fail to mention them in all my posts, the moment this blog is revived. Almost 4 months & this feeling still stay strong in my heart. Nevertheless, I have to focus on MP, now. At least for these 3 ongoing months.

Secrets of the day:

1. We played those songs so frequently when we were together. So, when the songs were played randomly, those moments immediately played repeatedly in my mind.

2. If only, I have that special someone right by my side.

Annyeong hashimnikka

2011-12-02T21:37:00.003+08:00

A great reminder. For you & me.

A long day, today. Very productive, again indeed. So, great job, ladies (: Wells, change of plans tmr. Will not be going out with Z & D. Nevertheless, hoping that Z's mum recovers soon, insyaAllah. Will be watching a movie with brother, instead. Since he's having his weekend book out! Best. And, he's driving, lagi best! But, wait, guilt guilt guilt. MUST do something tonight.

Secret of the day:

Hmm, something's fishy. 8 Dec & I shall know what you know that I don't know. Whatever it is, if it's a good thing, happy for you lah, dear.

Great feeling ever.

2011-12-01T20:08:00.008+08:00

As it clearly shows. Happy.

Doubts. Worries. Pressure. Huge responsibility. High expectations. All these start to sip through my mind. And, I was so weak to get influenced by them. However, I manage to sleep over all those unnecessary distractions. Today marks 1 Dec. A superb start of the month. Cos' we ended off with a happy note. I did my homework ytd, thankfully. I was satisfied with today's progress. Very productive. We gets deep into our research and has a clearer view now. Alhamdulillah (:

Secret of the day:

1. Can't express how happy I am today. Thank You, S, J & W. We'll gonna go through thick & think together for these 3 mths.

2. It just struck my mind that I realize the meaning of work-life balance when I get to know you two. We did our school work. We went out often to catch up, & importantly, enjoyed life. Never had this great feeling for so long. Thank You, Z & D. Told you, you made a difference in my life.

Have I done enough?

2011-11-30T12:24:00.004+08:00

Yes, that's it.

30 Nov '11, blog revived! Finally, reviving a platform for me to express my thoughts and feelings. So, it's all between you and me, if you come across this blog. Lost my momentum & focus on MP, since attachment ends. Worrying too much about the bond allocation. Build such a strong rapport with teachers during the 3 months of internship. Yes, 3 months, but it feels as if we know one another for 3 years, believe it or not. Great people, great teachers, great leaders. I couldn't deny that further. Tried every ways to convince the management in granting my request in serving my bond at the same centre:

1. Told the principal about my intention.

2. Told my teacher-in-charge.

3. Convincing the management through teleconversation.

4. Wrote an email to convince the management.

5. Add additional details to to SIP evaluation form, requested by the management.

I hope I've done enough. But, I wish I could do more :(

Secret of the day:

Foresee myself being deeply disappointed if I serve my bond at a centre, different from where I had my internship. Nevertheless, I'm missing the teachers already. They made a difference in my life, & that matters most to me.